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1 Every 2 Will Do!

1 Every 2 Will Do!

I Don't Want A Lot For Christmas...

…But what I really really want is to stop employee abuse! Yes, it’s the most wonderful time of the year: where the poor hard-working retail employees, restaurant servers, and shopping centre staff (to name but a few) are subjected to a constant barrage of so-called Christmas ‘Classics’.

At Christmas time we should be living in love! But as we step into Christmas, festive music should be a choice! If you love Christmas music you can tune the dial to Christmas FM whenever the mood takes you. However, it isn’t worth subjecting staff on the frontline to a constant loop of John Lennon (moaning away since 1977! I think an outright ban here is justified), Jona Lewie (if he hasn’t stopped the cavalry by now, he never will), and Chris Rea (who has been drivin’ home for Christmas since 1988: he’s either using the same Sat Nav as me or it’s just the crazy traffic!)

Look, I’m a reasonable man. I know some people need their fix when it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, but let’s take a common-sense step in the right direction. In the seasonal spirit of charity and goodwill, together we can start a campaign for peace on earth: I call it “1 Every 2 Will Do” – simply mix up some jingle bell rock with some classic rock, some blue Christmas with some rhythm and blues, or some Boney M with some Eminem.

Let’s make it a truly wonderful Christmastime for those beleaguered workers: any shop found playing back-to-back Christmas records should be closed down (or be forced to spread some joy to the world by giving an extra Christmas bonus to staff). A focus should be put on the better-quality offerings of Dean Martin, Andy Williams, Bing Crosby, Perry Como, and Nat King Cole. (I might be showing my age but I’m a little drummer boy at heart.)

I also think an outright ban on some songs would be reasonable. I used to enjoy hearing Mariah Carey’s glockenspiel intro but now… all I want is to hear it every two years. As for Wham!, let this finally be the last Christmas we hear it. Christmas is about baubles not Bublé. Anybody found humming the 12 days should be put away: a year for each day. Fairytale of New York has become a nightmare. The Beach Boys should be put to sea. Slade should be slayed. Mud by name and by nature. It’s time for Chris De Burgh to get back on his spaceship, and Cliff Richard knows exactly where he can stick his mistletoe and whine.

Please join my campaign and stop this constant abuse.

Merry Christmas Everyone! (and don’t get me started on Happy Holidays…)

Have a Great Christmas!

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